Handbag

Gianna De Persiis Vona

Carl is holding a handbag. I haven't seen the guy in three months, though we're pretty close, me and Carl. But lately, I've been busy, too busy to do what me and Carl do anyway, which is either drink beer and fish or drink beer and watch something, the lake, TV, whatever. Just something. Since the baby came, forget about it. Janine has been a bitch on wheels. It started out slow enough, morning sickness, the headaches, sleeping all the time, nothing too bad. Nothing to keep me from knocking back a few with Carl. But as the magic day approached, Janine's bitch factor grew in proportion with her ass. It was like her fat was actually canned bitch packed under her skin, and as she went from not so fat sweet Janine to huge assed, mammoth breasted Janine, the bitch just started seeping out like some kind of poison. Which is why I haven't been hanging with Carl, my buddy from way back, because Janine thinks hanging out with Carl is a waste of my time. She's a real know it all these days, when it comes to my time.

I'm outside Penny's, holding the baby in one arm, and off to the side, because I'm dying for a cigarette, but Janine will spit nails if the baby smells like smoke when she gets back. So I've got the baby in one arm held away from my body and my cigarette in the other, way off to the other side, and every time I take a drag I have to blow it straight up. Janine has been in Penny's for hours, trying to find a bra that will contain her breasts, which have gone from eye catching D's, to these milk making machines that she has to pull up so they don't get caught under the elastic waistband of her pants. It's crazy. I don't know what happened to her, it's like attack of the mutant body snatcher. The kid loves them, of course, slurping and snacking all day long, in milk heaven, which, for the record, Janine seems to adore. On the other hand, if I even so much as try and touch one, she's slapping my hand away and calling me a pig.

Carl's standing outside of Penny's, holding a handbag. Now, there are a couple of things about this that surprise me. First of all, we're not at the local Penny's. The local Penny's doesn't carry Janine's warrior sized commando bras, so we've had to drive forty-five minutes out of town, to the big, super-sized Penny's, where they carry Janine's super-sized bras. So it's weird. That Carl would be here, at the out of town Penny's, because unless you have commando tits like Janine, which Carl definitely does not, there isn't any reason not to just go to some place in town. The second thing that gets me about Carl is, let's face it, he's holding a handbag. And not just any kind of handbag either, not something that could pass as a pack or even a satchel, it's a handbag like the kind my little sister uses to cart around all her make-up and shit. This handbag is big and new looking, with these little leather handles that Carl has looped over the crook of his arm.

Maybe he's waiting for someone, some girl, and she's asked him to hold her handbag, and he's said yes because Carl has never had a girl before so he would probably say yes to anything. But that's the problem, Carl has never had a girlfriend. All he's good at is drinking beer and fishing, or drinking beer and looking at things, but definitely not girls. He's never been any good at that. The baby is starting to fuss so I put out my cigarette, pop a shot of Binaca in my mouth so Janine won't know I've been smoking, and I walk over to Carl, bobbing the baby up and down a bit so it will hush.

"Hey, Carl," I say, "What's up?"

Carl is facing a window display of, and I can't believe this, wedding dresses. The real ugly kind like they have at Penny's with too much white, and little fake pearl beads, and poof, tons of poof everywhere.

"There's a reason you only where it once." That's what I told Janine after our wedding, when I finally managed to pry the damn thing off her.

"Why's that?" She said, all pretty and cute on that motel bed.

"Cause it's ugly," I said, which was supposed to be funny. It was funny. Before she got pregnant, Janine actually did have a sense of humor. But I guess not about that. Some wedding night.

Anyway, I don't know why Carl is checking these barfbag wedding dresses out, but he is, and when I say hey he nearly jumps out of his skin.

"Whoa, Randy, what's up, man?" He says, shoving that handbag behind his back like I won't notice.

"Nothin'. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Oh, nothing." He says. His eyes are darting around the way they used to when we were kids getting in trouble for something. Carl can't lie for shit.

"Well, you're doing something," I say, "You're here aren't you?"

"Yah," he says, and smiles a little, "Hey, that your baby, or what?"

"Yah," I say, "Check her out." I show him the baby, who's trying to suck on my arm which, means she needs commando tit and fast.

"She's beautiful," Carl says, which is true. She is.

"So," I say, "What's with the handbag, dude?"

"Oh, this?" He pulls it from behind his back and looks at it like he's never seen it before. "I just got it for my mom. For her birthday. At Penny's. It was on sale."

"That's cool." I say, but I know he's lying because his mom is a mechanic and wears her wallet in her back pocket, if you know what I mean. Man, Carl is the shittiest liar on the planet. Just then, Janine comes out of Penny's carrying about five bags which means one of two things, either she went way over budget or her new bra is so damn big they had to break it up into different bags.

"Hey, Carl," Janine says, smiling all sweet so you can tell how pretty she is, and forget for a second that she's packed full of mega bitch. "Wow," she says, "That is an awesome handbag."

"Well, thanks." Carl says, and he breaks into this huge grin and, for just a second, clutches it to his chest. "I just got it."

There's a long silence after this, because no one knows what to say. At least I sure don't. Finally the baby squawks and Janine has to give me all of her bags, and I have to give her the baby, and she hisses at me you've been smoking, and it's all pretty hectic for a minute. I have to say something, because Janine is looking at me with that look that means she wants to go.

"Well, shoot, Carl, give me ring, dude. We'll go fish or something."

Carl nods and Janine nods too, as if she is all in support of me having free time, and then we turn and walk over to our car. I can see Carl in my rearview mirror as we pull away, Carl and his handbag. He's staring at those butt ugly dresses again and I'm thinking man, I guess Janine is right. I don't understand nothin'.