Jim Latter

The soup is cold.

-This soup's cold.

-Did you ask for it cold?

-No, I....

-Stove, what soup have you?

-Hot, I have chicken with noodles, minestrone with parmesan cheese,

tomato with cannelloni beans, asparagus with sweet corn, mushroom with blue

cheese.

Cold, I have gazpacho, vichysoisse, sorrel and tomato....

-What did you order?

-Asparagus wi....

-Stove, I'll have one asparagus with sweet corn and one mushroom

with....

-You could reheat th....

-...blue cheese. Reheated soup is disgusting.

-The soup will be ready in thirty seconds. Please affirm.

-Stove, affirm.

-But it's all reheated.

-Re-reheated is disgusting.

-Your order is ready.

-Go get it.

I get it. It's cold.

-It's cold.

-Stove, this soup is cold.

-I suggest you run a system check.

-Stove, partial or total?

-Partial should be sufficient.

-Stove, run partial system check.

-About to run partial system check. This will take 2 minutes and 30

seconds. Please affirm.

-Stove, affirm. This is your fault.

-How come?

-Because you keep ordering hot things cold.

-Not always.

-Not always but often, and it confuses the stove, and generally

fucks things up. Anyway hot soup cold is disgusting.

-I like hot soup cold.

-It's disgusting.

-Hot tomato soup with cannelloni beans cold isn't disgusting. It's

quite good.

-It's disgusting.

-The partial system check is complete.

-Stove, repeat last order.

-The last order was one asparagus soup with sweet corn and one

mushroom soup with blue cheese. This will take 30 seconds. Please affirm.

-Stove, affirm.

I taste the cold soup. It's quite good.

-Don't be disgusting.

-It's quite good.

-Disgusting.

-Your order is ready.

-Go get it.

I get it . It's cold.

-It's cold.

-Stove, this fucking soup is cold.

She's shouting now.

-It won't answer. It never responds to swearing.

-Okay okay

Sweetly now.

-Stove, this soup is cold....

She pauses.

-...you fucking piece of metal junk.

-I suggest you run a total system check.

Shouting.

-Just run the fucking check okay!

She pauses, breathing heavily.

-Stove, run total system check.

-About to run total system check. This will take 8 minutes and 48

seconds. Please affirm.

Sweetly.

-Stove, affirm....

Turning, screaming.

-...this is your fucking fault. You've completely fucked the

fucking stove.

-I don't see how ordering hot soup col....

But she's gone, the aluminium door vibrating in its frame. I taste

the soup. It actually is quite good so I finish it and am half way through

hers.

-Total system check complete.

-And?

Silence.

-Stove, and?

-Please repeat.

-Stove, what is the result of the total system check?

-No fault was found.

-Stove, the soup was cold.

-No fault was found.

I finish the soup. All three bowls.

-Maintenance. The stove is broken.

-Have you run system checks?

-Maintenance, affirm.

-Partial or total?

-Maintenance. Both. No fault was found.

She's back.

-Now who the fuck are you talking to?

-Maintenance.

-Just don't fuck that up as well.

-I didn't fuck the st....

-Awaiting request or question.

She's screaming, turning,

-Just shut the fuck up!

-Look, let me handle this. Maintenance, replace stove.

-About to replace stove, this will take 4 minutes and 3 seconds.

Please affirm.

-Maintenance, affirm.

She is looking at the three empty bowls. There is a soft pull of

air as the stove draws itself back into the wall.

-You are absofuckinglutely disgusting.

-They were quite good.

-Absofuckinglutely disgusting.

She leaves, dangerously, quietly. I put the three bowls into

disposal and watch the stove space. There is a soft push of air as the

stove slides from the wall.

-Stove, what soup have you?

-Hot, I have chicken with noodles, minestrone with parmesan cheese,

tomato with cannelloni beans, asparagus with sweet corn, mushroom with blue

cheese.

Cold, I have gazp....

-Stove, I'll have one asparagus with sweet corn.

-The soup will be ready in 30 seconds. Please affirm.

-Stove, affirm.

I wait.

-Your order is ready.